Why is it that opposites attract

But, in reality, you probably have more in common than you think. Research backs this up. One study published in the journal Psychological Science analyzed the digital footprints people left on Facebook specifically the stuff that they liked, as well as the things they posted about and found that most people interact with others that are pretty similar to them—online, at least. Another study, published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology , took info from 1, couples, friends, and acquaintances and surveyed them on their values, attitudes, and personality traits.

The researchers found that these people had a whopping 86 percent similarity on all the factors. That said, you and your partner can still be super different when it comes to stuff like your tastes in music, the kind of food you like to eat, what kind of clothes you like to wear, and a slew of other things—and that can be really, really sexy. But in reality, despite those few oppositional traits, you're probably more alike than you realize.

When you think of you and your partner as opposites, you probably focus on more obvious things, like clothes and what you like to do in your off-hours. You have to factor in stuff like your overall attitudes, preferences, values, beliefs, and communication styles, Cilona says—and odds are, you match up on at least some of those things. For starters, Cilona recommends thinking of yourselves as being complementary to each other instead of being opposites.

You can also think of your differences as ways to learn more for your own personal growth. If your partner is super outgoing, for example, maybe that will slowly push you to get out of your shell a little more. Communication is clutch, Durvasula says.

If the partner of the healthier individual does not want or is unable to change and grow, then stress is placed on the relationship. The stress will either lead to a breakdown of the relationship or create pressure for the healthier partner to regress to former levels of dysfunction. Failure to maintain a balanced inverse bond may result in the failure of the relationship. It should be noted that family systems theory influenced the conceptualization of the continuum of self theory.

Corresponding zero values do not signify an absence of self-orientation. Instead, they represent an exact balance of love, respect and care being given and received. Although having a zero value would be ideal, in reality, the vast majority of people fall somewhere on one side or the other of the continuum of self. The lower inversely matched couples are able to ebb and flow because of the reciprocal and mutual nature of their well-matched self-orientations continuum of self values.

They are able to ask for what they need — and even disagree with each other — without experiencing resentment or conflict. However, higher inversely matched couples create a dysfunctional relationship. With polar opposite higher continuum of self values, the two are unlikely to reconcile their vast differences in self-orientation. In particular, the person who is a pathological narcissist is an unlikely candidate for any substantive personality change.

It is even possible, albeit not usual, for a person to move from one side of the continuum to the other. In the case of a switch in self-orientation from SSO to OSO, for example , the person usually begins with a lower positive or negative continuum of self value.

In addition, this person has likely participated in some form of long-term or regular mental health service. With motivation, emotional fortitude and good counseling, most OSOs and SSOs are capable of learning to practice a mutually satisfying level of give-and-take in the areas of love, respect and care.

Relationship stability is achieved when the negative and positive continuum of self values of each partner equal a zero sum. In other words, zero-sum relationships occur when two partners have an exactly opposite self-orientation.

Note that the zero-sum relationship describes the quantitative state of a relationship, not the qualitative state. It is just balanced. Sandy -2 is a mother and wife who enjoys her role as a busy stay-at-home mom.

She stays busy caring for her family and serving in several volunteer positions. With the support of Sandy, Dan works long hours to build his status and reputation in the family business. Although Dan likes the attention that being in the public eye brings him, he still makes himself available for the personal and emotional needs of others, especially when it comes to his family. If Dan needs help, Sandy steps up in any way she can to help him. Ken harbors deep resentment toward Allison because he has to work multiple jobs to make ends meet for the family.

Although Ken is highly bonded to his children, his work schedule keeps him away from many of the quality moments with them. When they got married, Allison unilaterally decided to quit her successful accounting career because she wanted to be a stay-at-home mother. Lower values pairings illustrate healthier relationships that are characterized by higher levels of mutuality in the exchange of love, respect and care. Higher continuum of self values pairings demonstrate less healthy relationships that are characterized by a lopsided exchange of love, respect and care, with more going to the SSO and less to the OSO.

Couples who fit into a specific category can move forward or backward on the continuum of self as they either evolve or devolve relationally. According to the continuum of self theory, individuals who are codependent have a severe OSO, which is numerically represented by a continuum of self value of When in romantic relationships, they focus almost completely on the needs of a pathologically narcissistic partner, while ignoring, diminishing or neglecting their own similar needs.

Although unhappy and resentful, they remain in this relationship. Therefore, they have no investment or interest in changing the relationship. Because the OSO partner is neither adept at nor comfortable with communicating anger, displeasure or resentment, he or she is likely to suppress these feelings. In addition, the OSO partner may have learned that communicating resentment or anger is likely to result in rejection, conflict or harm personal or relational , all of which he or she actively avoids.

The partner who is considered codependent is correspondingly resistant to change because it would potentially result in emotional, psychological or even physical harm or in deep and profound feelings of guilt, shame and loneliness.

However, people who are codependent are sometimes able to accept responsibility for their problems and seek help. To illustrate, the -4 OSO is minimally capable of setting and maintaining boundaries regarding the love, respect and caring imbalance in the relationship. In this relationship category, the balance is significantly tilted toward the SSO. Even with the inequity of love, respect and care that is given and received, this couple is still capable of minor to moderate levels of mutuality and reciprocity.

For example, the OSO partner is able to set some boundaries and communicate some of his or her needs. The delineation between healthy and unhealthy continuum of self values pairings is not always clear. However, from the perspective of other societies, cultures or ethnic groups in which the norm is oriented toward an acceptable discrepancy between the giving and taking of love, respect and care, the relationship would be considered healthy and normal. His results showed that participants reported feeling more attracted to people who held similar attitudes.

In fact, the greater the degree of attitudinal similarity, the greater the attraction and liking. To explain his findings, Byrne argued that most of us have a need for a logical and consistent view of the world.

We tend to favour ideas and beliefs that support and reinforce that consistency. People who agree with us validate our attitudes and so satisfy this need, whereas people who disagree with us tend to stimulate negative feelings — anxiety, confusion and maybe even anger — that lead to repulsion.

For example, studies have shown that online daters are more likely to contact and reply to others who have similar educational and ethnic backgrounds as themselves, and are of a similar age. In the mids, the sociologist Robert Francis Winch argued that, when it comes to our personalities, what matters is not similarity but complementarity.

Based on his studies of spouses, he suggested that individuals would be attracted to others who possess personality traits that they lack. An assertive woman, for example, would be attracted to a submissive man while an extroverted man would be attracted to an introverted woman. As it turns out, there is almost no evidence to support this hypothesis. Studies of friends and spouses consistently find that two individuals are more likely to be friends and spouses if they are similar in terms of their personalities.